Sleep is for pussies.

So last week was my first week of classes for the spring semester.  Beginning classes again got me to thinking of an article I had planned on writing back during the fall season, but had put aside because I’m fucking lazy.  I’m talking about finals week, and in particular one fateful Tuesday evening.  So here it is, complete and unabridged as documented by me a few weeks ago.  

Finals week wasn’t too bad considering I was only saddled with 2 real final exams, with my two other classes being taken care of with the completion of final projects.  I rocked one a while back, but the second, a portfolio for my creative writing class, was a bit lacking.  Since I got a B in math, I can safely say that out of 100%, the portfolio was resting somewhere at 28% the night before it was due.  So it’s Tuesday night, I need to annotate 12 stories, write a couple short stories, create a snazzy looking table of contents, an index, AND write an essay about what we learned in class because I didn’t take enough notes to meet the required pages in the “notes” section of my portfolio.  Not to mention I have a final at 11:00am Wednesday morning, in another class. *sniff* What’s that smell?  It isn’t the Middle Eastern family downstairs cooking.  It’s not a month old bowl of cereal sitting on my desk.   And it probably isn’t the space between my balls and legs, either.  That odor can only belong to one thing-I smell an all-nighter!  

It’s been a long time since I pulled an all-nighter, and even longer since I did it in relation to doing school work.  Most often my will to sleep overtakes my will to pass whatever class I’m currently scrambling to catch up with, and I go to school a rested but broken man.  But not this time!  This time I made sure I was fully prepared for an all night battle with the books.  Herein lies a step-by-step documentation of my night fighting the Sandman.  

Written Tuesday, December 13^th, 2004  

Tonight was the night we scheduled our lasertag extravaganza at Ruby Tuesdays.  What should have been a fun filled night of co-worker bonding built by shooting each other with laser guns, ended up being yet another sad example of the incredible lack of drawing power D-Gor possesses.  When I got to the rendezvous point,  only two other people showed.  That's two out of list of 15+ people who said they'd be there.  This isn’t really surprising, as is the case in all matters, when I organize something, everyone ditches.   

So instead of lasertag fun, I instead decided to use the precious time now afforded me to get some school work done, because I have a shitload to do.  This calls for an all nighter.  Now, in order for me to stay up all night while spending the majority of my time on my ass in this chair, I’m gonna need some supplies. 

Supplies-

Long Johns- I live by myself right now, so heat is an indulgence I just cannot afford at this time.  Thankfully I have a plethora of sweaters and sweatpants to go along with my snazzy, skin tight green long johns.  Throw a blanket around me and a knit cap, and I look like a squatter that’s broken into this apartment and taken up residence.  But I’m a warm squatter. Thank you long johns.

3- 23.5 oz cans of Arizona Iced Tea- Besides being the best tasting stuff on Earth, as well as having the scientifically proven healing qualities it possesses, AZ cans also offer the added bonus of keeping you up for hours at a time.  If it had its own commercial like those shady drugs that treat asthma, erectional dysfunction or hay fever, this would take the place of “oily discharge” or “stomach bleeding” as the possible side effects.  Is there nothing AZ 23’s can’t do??

3- 8.3 oz cans of Red Bull- I’m still not sold on Red Bull.  I needed to stay up late to study for a test a month ago, and I put Red Bull to the task.  Twenty minutes later I was out cold, and I definitely didn’t have wings.  We’re gonna give it another whirl here though.

1- 9 oz bag of Pizzeria Pretzel Combos- I don’t have much in the house, but this is one of the better munching snacks out there.

I start my journey around 8:30 .  The first can of each is cracked, the Combo’s are opened, and Microsoft word is fired up and ready for my first input.  Hmm…how do I distract myself from doing this shit?

9:00 - Distract myself for a good half an hour talking baseball and poker with my buddy Matt.

9:30- Take a dump.  I’m glad I never developed into someone who sits on the toilet for long periods of time while taking a dump, because I’d hate to get hemorrhoids.  I sit on my ass enough as it is.  You'd think I was one of those people, what with the mountainous stack of men's magazines sitting on my toilet, but alas I am not.   In and out, I ain't got time to sit there and let poop dry on my ass.  

11:45-  the Red Bull and Arizona kicked in. I don’t feel anymore awake, starting to feel a weeeeee bit drowsy actually, but my left hand is shaking and I can’t make it stop.  I videotaped it for posterity.  Typing kinda hard with my left hand bouncing up and down on the keyboard.  Stops periodically, starts back up.  Cool as hell.  What the hell am I drinking this shit for now, anyway?  I normally stay up till 3 or 4am without any problems, yet I’m downing liquid crack so my eyes don’t get heavy at 11:45 ?  And worse yet, they ARE starting to feel a little heavy.  That my friends, is the power of the human mind.  I think I have to be tired for the whole thing, so I actually start becoming tired, even though that’s nonsense. 

Its amazing how often I check buddy list profiles to see if anyone has put up a new away message.  You do it too. Shut up.

12:18- Annotation number four is done.  The story itself is less than two pages long, yet it probably took me 45 minutes to finish the damn thing.  Distractions are easy to come by.  Have kind of plateaued in the fatigue department.  Eyes feel tired, taking deep breaths every so often to stay fresh.  Hand shakes every so often to remind me that, although I’m pooped, the iced tea and Red Bull aren’t done working to keep my body up.

Just read a whole fantasy baseball article before realizing my jaw was hanging open like some slack-jawed yokel.  Probably more tired than I want to admit. 

12:45 - Just now flipped the book to the next story I need to write an annotation for.  Spent the previous half an hour learning all about the Ray Allen/Kobe Bryant feud, of which I ordinarily have no interest in whatsoever. 

12:46 - Stop to take a piss. Tea is starting to make me gassy.  Fortunately my farts smell awesome.

12:49 - Finish writing the earlier part about crapping and getting hemorrhoids.

1:00-  Finish reading about how Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglasias got hitched.  This after reading that “Neon” Deion Sanders talked shit about Kobe .  That makes him the 2023rd athlete that thinks Kobe is a douchebag. 

1:01 - Start reading story in dire need of being annotated.

1:02- Finish last Combo, one can of each beverage left.  Still on that plateau.

1:37- Finished annotation number five.  Still feeling good. Just cracked my last Arizona .  Getting ready for annotation six, “ Kew Gardens ” by Virginia Woolf.  This should be a GREAAAAAAT one.

Internet just went out. I think there’s a murderous spirit waiting in the other room disconnecting it so that I’ll come in to fix it and they eat me.  Not gonna do it. In fact, I’m not even going to get out of this chair until either:

A) The sun comes up, or 

B) I go to bed. Fuck brushing my teeth, I’m not gonna let a need for good dental hygiene get me killed.

1:47 - Reading intro to Kew gardens…I will NEVER use the word Contrapuntal. 

1:52- Virginia Woolf fucking sucks.  I feel naked and alone without my internet right now. Hope I don’t get eaten.

2:04 - Only now realized that I’m about halfway done with my work. Not a pleasing realization.  Internet still out, and I gotta believe it’s not coming back on tonight.  Funny I was just thinking recently how it had been a while since the internet had conked out for a day.  Still haven’t been eaten.

2:12- Restarted computer. Internet still not working.  This is the part of the movie where the main character does the incredibly stupid thing everyone in the theater is screaming he shouldn’t do.  It’s only the internet after all.  But I feel naked without it.  Turning off the computer was almost a dare, I felt completely alone, as if the computer itself was someone I could ally myself with against the unknown horror lurking in the room next to mine.  Anywho, I’m probably gonna be eaten in a few minutes when I go check the roadrunner connection, but thems the breaks.  At least this log will prove I saw it coming. Gonna blast some Rage Against the Machine in the hopes that scares away any would be D-Gor devourers.

2:19- Ok, now THAT was fuckin weird.  After searching the bedroom for 5 minutes I found a hammer.  Yes, I actually fucking needed to arm myself to walk through my own apartment.  And this isn't just any hammer..  I think this is the first hammer ever.  I'm talking, Noah used this exact hammer to build the ark.  Take a look at this badboy:

This sucker is an antique.  Why I have it, who knows.  I shouldn’t be hitting things with it, I should be taking it on to the “Antique Road Show” and getting it appraised.  

So anyway, I turned on every light in my place (Hammer ready to cave in the first skull I see), then realized I hadn’t locked the front door. Uh oh.  Locked that bitch up, then went to the empty room. Kicked open(yes I kicked it open) the door.  The cable lights were all good.  Come back in here, and the internet is back on.  What the FUCK is going on in this joint? Methinks I got a ghost or something.  Or maybe Rage DID scare them away.  Either way, I’m spooked, and feel like a big fuckin pussy as a result.

2:34 - Just got done re-acquainting myself with the internet.  I was like a puppy whose master has been gone for a week.  Also took another piss, because Iced tea is like land, we never really own it, we’re only renting it.  And don’t think I didn’t take my hammer with me, because I did.  

2:51- Watched Evanescence’s video “Going Under”.  Amy Lee’s kinda hot, has a ridiculous voice, but I think she’d probably annoy the shit out of me if I knew her in real life. Goth people, fake or not, annoy the piss out of me. ANGST!

4:30- These friggin stories are getting longer and longer.  Still at the same level I was hours ago.  Haven’t even finished my last can of Iced tea yet.  Unfortunately I’m starting to feel a little more rushed than I was, since I only have 6 hours left before I have to go to my final. Better get my ass in gear. 

4:45- Three more annotations to go!  I’m beginning to sound like one of these intellectual douchebags with some of what I’m writing in these annotations.   “The story is a bullet train that speeds up the further in you go, with each characters own particular ride getting more and more intense as the story progresses.  Ultimately the story ends with the locomotive going off the tracks-people dying left and right as all of the trains crash together at one junction.” …who writes crap like that? I do, at 4:45 in the morning.   Damn, I feel like I should be wearing a smoking jacket and quoting some deliciously obscure philosopher.  After a good nights’ sleep I bet that little blurb is complete garbage, but right now to me it sounds like fuckin poetry.  Sleep deprivation rocks.

5:12- Two to go. I’ve noticed that my focus has narrowed entirely onto the task at hand.  This is a combination of me starting to feel the tick of the clock, as well as not wanting to waste any stored energy.  I think I owe a lot more to the AZ’s and red bulls than I originally thought.  You drink a bunch of that crap, you expect to shoot through the roof (though I suppose a steadily shaking hand is a big enough sign that it’s working).  Gonna save the red bull till about 8, I’ll definitely need it then.  With less than 6 hours remaining until class, I have 2 annotations, a 3 part short-short (easy shit right there) and a possible essay based on what I’ve learned if I can’t bullshit my way through 6 pages of notes.  Beyond that all I gotta do is make me a table of contents, organize the shit and creative writing is in the fucking bank.  I might even do well with multi- cult at this point.  Plus, I haven’t been eaten yet!  I’m not going to get my hopes up yet, but Wednesday might turn out to be an ok day after all.  Knock on wood. Still working on the same can of tea that I was an hour ago.  I think I’m starting to come down a bit though.

5:51- One annotation left.  I think I’m starting to feel myself come down quicker now. The eyes are getting a little tired, and the head is definitely sagging forward more so now than it was even an hour ago.  I think if I were to lie down now, I still wouldn’t be able to get to sleep for at least an hour. My body and mind are tired, but there’s still plenty of caffeine up in this piece.  Can’t wait to hit that Red Bull down the home stretch, gonna be like Vin Diesel in Fast and the Furious  “NITRO BABY!”   Wish I had something to eat in this joint. I gotta piss, hope I don’t get eaten.  I’ll bring the hammer, just in case.   

Nobody’s up, not that that’s a surprise. 

6:15- Go figure the last story’s a real fucking treat to figure out.  Oh crap I’m yawning.

6:45- The final annotation is done. I celebrated by trying to get WEQX to play “One Christmas Catalogue”.  I don’t think they’re gonna come through, but I can’t hate them for it. On to the point of view short-short.

6:53- Mom’s up.  

DGorsMom ( 6:53:34 AM ): what the heck are you doing up so early

Gormassian ( 6:54:15 AM ): working

Gormassian ( 6:54:17 AM ): :-)

DGorsMom ( 6:54:27 AM ): honestly working

Is it so hard to believe that I, Dan Gorman, can actually be studious?  What the hell else would I be doing at 7 in the morning, pilates? 

6:58- Tim’s up.  Apparently he has to get up this early every day.  What a kick in the nuts that is.  I used to have to do that at Sunshine’s.  Thinking about how I never had to go back to that routine put a smile on my face. 

7:20- Ok, the DJ at WEQX is a big time douchebag.  So I ask if they take Christmas song requests and he says yes, then I give him the money shot, “One Christmas Catalogue”.  I figure they don’t have it, can’t play it, whatever. I give them the link to the page where you can listen to it. I figure he can put two and two together and give the EQX listeners a little something to cheer about.  I start cooking my breakfast, and the dude comes on and starts gabbing on about a Christmas song of the day that you can win a prize if you hear it played. This is it! They would have to choose Captain Sensible, wouldn’t they?  But NOOO, DJ “Filling in for the real DJ” goes with a friggin Blink 182 song.  Are you seriously going to tell me Blink 182 can capture the Christmas spirit better than Captain Sensible?  This guy has been added to the list of local DJ’s I’d like to bash with my hammer.

7:29- I’ve been doing annotations for so long, I don’t know what to do next now that they are done.  I feel like Inigo Montoya at the end of the Princess Bride. 

9:21- The three point of view writing assignment is done (NOT my best work), as is my last red bull.  Starting to fade a bit, I’m thinking it might be a good idea to save the last little bit of writing for after my final, take a shower to wake up a bit, and cram a little bit of studying in before I bid adieu to Multicultural Perspectives in Lit. 

10:00 - Just took a shower.  Fading FAST. I better rock out what I have left of this creative writing assignment as soon as I get home, because I’m going to pass the fuck out.

12:15 - Just kicked that Multi final in the fucking nuts.  Neeeeed to sleep or there’s no way I’m getting this writing shit done.

At this point I slept for an hour, officially ending the all nighter.  After my hour nap I finished writing everything, printed it all out, drove to Staples and had it bound, and only showed up 40 minutes late to class.  By the time I officially went to bed, I had slept one hour in a 40 hour time span.  Officially, I rule.  This foray into sleep deprivation has led me to seriously consider an experiment in the same realm.  Sometime down the road I’m going to set aside a few days where I know I won’t be in school or at work(sleep dep. has already cost me one job), and I’m not going to sleep at all, and document the whole thing.  I may not learn anything, but I can bet by day two I should be one funny fuck.   

By the way I got an A in that class, not because my work was superb (It wasn’t), but because the teacher is a lazy dick who doesn’t give a shit about his class or in passing on any useful information other than how painstaking it was to get his many books published. Boo hoo.  Suck it you pompous touchhole.  

Special thanks to the makers of Red Bull, Combos, and especially Arizona Iced Tea for helping me complete my all night affair.  I'd also like to thank Kobe Bryant for being such an incredible asshole, without you Kobe I wouldn't have had nearly as many articles to read as I distracted myself from my work. 

posted 1/22/05

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